She is pregnant with her third child, but she doesn’t want to be.

I’m an ER doctor in a small private hospital in Indonesia. Just a couple of weeks ago, a patient came in. She was pregnant and was found unconscious on her bed, with an empty syrup bottle of acetaminophen by her side. Through her husband’s answers and physical examination, I concluded that her unconsciousness wasn’t caused by anything physical but more psychological. Her husband and her just had a fight that morning.

I told her husband that her physical ailment at that moment was due to mental stress (or something along the line; I’m not particularly sure of the exact wording of diagnosis). I have seen these cases before during the past five months I’ve been working in the hospital. It’s not easy to address the fact that no, there’s nothing wrong physically but there might be some psychological problem that need to be addressed.

Not too long after, she regained consciousness. To my astonishment, she didn’t try to beat the bush but clearly told me her side of the story. She was pregnant. This was her third pregnancy and it was unplanned. The contraceptive she was on failed her. She was raising two children under the age of five. She didn’t want to be pregnant.

Ever since finding out about her pregnancy almost a month ago, she has tried multiple times to abort her pregnancy. One time, she drank a full bottle of eucalyptus oil (common oil found in Indonesian household) and only ended up vomiting. She didn’t go into details about the other attempts, but her reluctance to accept this pregnancy lead to almost daily fights, including the one that occurred that morning. She had visited OB-GYN doctor a few times within this month and expressed her dismay over the failed contraceptive and her unhappiness with the current situation. The doctor told her that she should try to focus on something else and accept her situation. Her fetus has survived even with her multiple attempts to abort it. It was already stronger than most.

My heart bleed. The doctor seemed very flippant, but unfortunately that was the harsh reality for women in Indonesia where abortion is not an option unless it was a result from rape or medical reasons such as fatal congenital defect. But even then, it is very strictly regulated that lawful procedural abortion is not commonly heard in this country. They are left with only the dangerous, full-of-risks alternatives such as hidden illegal abortion clinics or usage of prescription only medications.

Witnessing this very woman, who told me repeatedly, the reason why she didn’t want this pregnancy was because she wanted to focus on taking care her two small children, I felt helpless. Despite graduating from a Catholic medical school and taken an oath which specifically mentioned the line “to respect all form of lives from when they are a fetus”, I’m a supporter of pro-choice. I know that I have no rights at all to even judge on why women decide to abort their pregnancies, my personal feelings about it don’t matter.

I wish I could give her that choice, but encouraging her to seek illegal clinic or take medicine that could induce abortion — both equally dangerous and have the potential to kill her — seemed like a very irresponsible thing to do. So instead, I tried to comfort her and to convince her to keep her pregnancy, telling her over and over again that what she was risking here — when there was no legal option — was her own life. If she ended up dead, who was going to take care of her children?

After almost half an hour and her husband returned with vitamins, she went home with her husband. I didn’t know how much my words comforted her. I repeatedly told her that I understood why she didn’t want her current pregnancy, but still I couldn’t give her that option. I don’t really know what I wish for her, but wherever she is, I hope she could be happy at the end.